Urine in my personal space

As a guy when you’re born there are certain rules that are instilled in you. No one tells you them but you’re just aware of them…they’re often referred to (at least in my circles) as the “The Guy Code” (that’s pronounced “G-EYE” not “G-EE”) there are many sub sections to it but the one I’m focusing on today is on Urinal use.

Now so we’re all on the same page let me give you the “Cliff notes” on the “rules” to using a urinal.

1. Use the first available urinal furthest from the door.
2. Never engage in conversation with a familiar unless there is at least 1 urinal between you.
3. Do not look over at the person next to you.
4. If all strategic urinals are occupied…use a stall

And finally the cardinal rule when using a urinal

5. Never use a urinal immediately next to one that’s already occupied.

So now that we’re all on the same page…I had returned to the office from lunch and decided to use the facilities… in the midst of my relief efforts, a co worker pulls up beside me and proceeds to use the urinal next to me…and to add insult to injury turns his head and starts talking to me. You got to be kidding me…I wonder if this guy wants to share a stall next time…

Hero or Zero

Is an act of “good Samaritan-ism” weighed against the cost of the act to the first person? Or asked another way “Are you only a hero if your personal well being is put at risk”?

Let me explain. If I we’re trapped in a burning building and a by stander braved the flames to find me and then carries my unconscious body out of the inferno would they be hailed a Hero/Heroine.

But what if I was in a building with a Toxic gas leak…the building was evacuated but somehow I was missed? Someone realizes I’m missing and decides to walk back in, comes to my office to tell me we need to leave, and we both casually walk out. Are they still a Hero/Heroine?

In the second scenario there is a lot less drama but the danger is very real. But there isn’t any direct environmental confrontation on the part of the rescuer. Yes the leak is present but I wasn’t overcome by it and the rescuer sustained no injury.

However if we go back to the first scenario; There is almost a certainty the rescuer suffered burns, cuts bruises, smoke inhalation, and not to mention he had to carry my sorry ass out of the building.

So, are you only a hero if your personal well being is put at risk?

Overpass Press conference spoof

Below is a spoof on how “La bell province” would explain the overpass situation to us…assuming they had a dose of truth serum.
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Good Day,
Many of you are wondering why the over passes are collapsing. You are questioning why we let them get this bad – and why we’re not fixing them.

Today I’m here to address your concerns.
First off let me start by saying that the reason the over passes are collapsing is that they’re old… but more important than that; they were built poorly. Why you ask? The answer is simple; the money saved was quickly pocketed by the contractors we hired who also returned some of it to our personal accounts. “But why were they aloud to get this bad?” Good question; the fact is we’re greedy, every year there is a certain amount of money that comes in from taxes that gets allocated to road repair…but the fact is that most of that money gets deviated to crooked politicians with ties to organized crime… like my associates and I. What little money is left over (and believe me when I say there wasn’t much) is spent on cheap labor… and even cheaper materials. Every year the less we spent on the roads – the more we had in our pockets, and since there were no major structural issues we got comfortable with the way things were.

Now as for why we don’t fix them, we actually are…sort of. See, to repair an over pass is expensive…and to repair all of them…well that’s very expensive….so much so that we would actually have to stop sticking our hands in the “Cookie jar”…and you all know that’s not going to happen. So we calculated that by fixing the overpasses when they collapse, the work required will be half, since there is no demolition required. Now I know your thinking about the people who may lose their lives in the process. We took that in to consideration, see the loss of revenue resulting from a dead tax payer is still less than the overall cost of repairing all the overpasses beforehand; coupled with the fact that we only have to do half the work…and we have a potential savings in the billions of dollars. So look on the bright side, you don’t need to go to an amusement park for thrills – take a ride on…or under the nearest overpass…there’s nothing more exciting like not knowing if you’re going to make it to the other side alive…
This public service announcement was paid for by your tax dollars.
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Please feel free to copy and plagiarize this to the fullest – consider this my written consent

Coffee Talk

Yesterday it was decided that it was time to retire the old office coffee maker and replace it. Now as coffee makers go it’s not the most sophisticated or “futuristic” looking, but it’s very modern. Basically the coffee is made and stored in a reservoir, and then you use your cup to press on the flow release, and presto…you fill your cup. (Enter my devious thinking) This is the perfect opportunity for some office humor.

Fortunately in my field of work I took no oath preventing me from abusing my
technical abilities and knowledge… I turned to my Coworker (Jenna) and said “I’m going to tell people its ‘Voice Activated’” She laughed and agreed to help with my prank. I even went as far as printing up a small label with instructions. We both had our suspicions about who was going to fall for this, what we didn’t realize was how many people fell for it.

| Enter the victims
Jenna told two coworkers “Ya its voice activated” and watched as one of them spoke softly to the coffee maker…”Café, Black” he said…”Louder she told him ”Café! Black!” he shouted. I’m in my office bent over trying not to laugh…
Later I crossed paths with another co-worker “New coffee maker” he says. “Ya, they just got it, voice activated to.” “Really?…no!”. I reassure him… I watch him place his cup on the base and speak “Coffee, Black.” (at this point several coworkers are peaking around their cubicles trying not to giggle) I turn and say “No, you have to get closer and speak up..” He then leans in…and in a firm tone says “Cof-fee! – Black!” That’s it…I can’t keep a straight face and I loosed it. I got home that night still laughing over how many people fell for my “Voice-O-Matic” coffee maker.

Pearls of Wisdom…or anal beads? (Depends on how they’re applied)

What follows is some existential regurgitation; a culmination of excerpts from a series of conversations in no particular order or time frame.

Technology in all its forms, advanced and varying applications all come down to nothing more than a form of compression “Do more in less time”

Commonsense is not only largely “uncommon” but among the most elusive of the senses… and can’t be taught.

People often want the latest “New” (Things & Experiences) but only if it doesn’t change anything

There is no such thing as an “unselfish” act… ceding to the desire of selflessness is selfish in and of itself.

Business decisions are made by those who don’t have to abide by them…

Sometimes “exact science” is not “exact science”

Most problems rest not with the wand…but with the magician.

A lifetime of noble and charitable deeds can all be undone by one misdeed

Life is your classroom & experience your teacher…pay close attention, there’s a test every day

Once your mind bends to a new idea, it can never return to its previous form

Given the range of sound & tone the human ear can pickup – its only matter of time until there’s no new music…

H1N1

Facelift

M |Central’s layout was getting long in the tooth so I decided it was time to refresh the layout. I decided to go with a lighter theme, “Garland” by Stefan Nagtegaal and Steven Wittens. Along with the new theme I added on a rating system for each blog posting and comments. The left hand column has the search, but now you can also filter by categories and you can sift through older blogs using the Archives dropdown. On the right hand side is a list of blogs I follow. Down the road I plan to start adding polls that visitors can vote on…

I welcome all your comments and feedback…

Hold that door…don’t hold your breath

Sometime between earlier that day and later that night I was headed to the mall, there was a chill in the air and while I wasn’t in any real rush there was a definite urgency in my stride as I reach the entrance. A few steps away I see an older gentleman walking towards the same entrance; though he’s several feet away, I open the door and hold it for him. His eyes widened with a smile “Why thank you young man” he says politely; he reminds me of the type of grandfather you would see on one of those made for TV holiday movies. “My pleasure” I say. Our exchange of pleasantries ends there, and though at the time I didn’t give it much thought, but I realized I rarely see this anymore. I look around I see people coming and going, and yes I see the door being held as the one passing through holds it with one hand for the person behind. But when it came to seniors, how many people stopped and let them go through? No one. For that matter what about our elders? I was raised to respect my elders – and holding the door to allow them to pass ahead of me was a given. So I’m a bit taken back by how rare a sight it is today. The world is moving forward and changing, old values are making way for new ideas…but I think some its important that we hold onto the essence of some of those old values, the ones that remind us to be thoughtful, courteous and respectful.

The Impel

As I reach the outskirts, the shimmer and sparkle of the city fade into my rearview mirror, the number of cars on the road become fewer and fewer. Almost symbolic that the sun sets behind me as my visit comes to end, I’m now left with my thoughts and the sound of the music barely audible in the background. If you want an inculcating experience I suggest you take a long drive; preferably one that traverses the void between municipalities. There’s something soothing; maybe it’s the combination of the humming engine and the sound of the wind passing over the cabin in tune with the vibration of the tires on the road. The sun’s all but set and the highway’s now a darken path lit only by my headlights. One could get lost counting the breaks in the yellow lines separating the lanes. It’s amazing the things that come to mind when you let it wander; thoughts on how people would drive these distances alone with no mobile phone, no GPS. Like a rapier through a shroud of cloth my car cuts through the night, I can feel the cool crisp evening air falling from the tilted opening in the moon roof. “How long would this take me on horseback” I wonder, they move pretty quick, and I don’t suppose they had speed limits…so accounting for the fact that they need to rest, would the time be comparable? Up ahead I can see the infamous red and blue lights, a reminder to keep an eye on my speed; so far so good, I’m above (as usual) but within the flow of traffic…all 4 cars in proximity. It’s late in the evening when I realize there’s no shoulder on this road; this prompts the thought “what would I do if I suddenly couldn’t drive…or I got something stuck in my eye and needed to pull over?” I start to wonder if any of the accidents you hear about on decollate roads was from something as innocuous as a piece of grit in the eye to a cramp in your leg, or even an urgent need to pee. En route with a little less than a quarter to go, my foot firmly on the throttle, the cabin is quiet…the radio’s off, and for the remainder of my journey I’m left with my thoughts…and an empty highway…

What if it all means somthing

Arguably one of the biggest debates of existentialism is whether or not we’re in control of our own life. At a distance there’s one of two camps you can side with; the one where we are not in control, everything outside of our direct ability to manipulate is a result of some unseen (perhaps divine) force, and the camp that subscribes to the belief that every direct action on your part has both direct and indirect consequences both to the individual and to countless 3^rd parties. While I won’t deny having myself experienced circumstances where “It was meant to be” could be applied, I’m still skeptical. We live in a world governed by the laws of physics, and those laws dictate is that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This by the way is part of the second encampment, which also happens to be the one I belong to. What if the events that unfold are nothing more than a series of “reactions” set forth by a preceding set of reactions which were intern set forth a set preceding them…and so on and so forth? Using a game of pool as an example; just after the break the balls scatter each time they collide it creates a reaction causing them to collide with another ball…etc. Is life so different? Was the white ball meant to hit the 8 ball, or was it random chance? IMHO one of the many reasons it’s difficult to wrap our minds around this has partly to do with the fact that this process started long ago (birth of the universe) and we’re trying to play catch-up. Another aspect (again IMHO) is as a species we’re lazy and generally speaking have an inclination to believe we’re special, above all others including our peers. This could contribute to the hands off approach, “I didn’t get the job, it wasn’t meant to be” while negating the fact that perhaps you didn’t prep for your interview enough, or showed up in sweat pants and tank top, smacking gum while answering your questions.

Overall I wonder if as whole we lost sight of those actions we can control, and those we can’t. In life we’ll be presented with situations, some positive and some negative, how we handle them is up to us. I simply don’t think that those situations are the result of some predestined manifestation.  Without debating the existence of a higher power, if such a entity existed; wouldn’t they be far to occupied with greater issues than whether or not I got that job, or if my neighbor is going to get that new kidney? As I said, I can’t deny experiencing situations both good & bad where I couldn’t help wondering for second that it was meant to be, but this is me in my limited capacity of understanding trying to grasp a concept that for now is too big.